This is a topic that is very near to me, and I have also seen it written about a lot lately. Most of the time as if there is some magic healing potion. There’s not, because we are individuals and everyone heals differently and at their own pace.
Some people don’t want to heal at all. They want to hold onto the negative and stay wounded. If you want to stay in that victim state, if it has become your identity, well there’s nothing anyone can do until you decide to let it go. Decide it is time.
Some people don’t want to admit that they are hurt at all.
Healing is not a linear process because that’s not how emotions work, they aren’t an assembly line; pain, deal with it, over it & voila it never crosses your mind again. Unfortunately, at least in my experience, it isn’t that easy. You have to find what works for you, where and how you feel at your best, what makes you come alive again. Sometimes it just takes time. I try to remind myself it’s okay to feel sad or like shit about things, feel it and then let it go, don’t dwell on the sadness. Acknowledge and then find a way to release it. The release usually happens over a period of time, I don’t know any magic spells. I write about it, practice yoga, cry, write, try to verbalize it to someone close to me, write about it more until I’ve gotten it all out.
It’s been important over the years to get the words out of me. Not by yelling at someone or telling them how fucked up they are, but by getting everything out, physically; running, yoga and releasing them through journaling. A lot of times, and I learned this the hard way, it seems easier to bottle everything up and smooth over the issues and continue like nothing has happened. WARNING- you are setting yourself up for a major explosion. You push everything down and your body starts to carry the brunt and the stress of it and in one way or the other your body will try to get rid of it. It won’t work the same, stress issues, physical health, mental health, we aren’t meant to carry and keep everything that has happened to us. We try to deny it, that nothing is wrong, but deep down you can feel it, the uneasiness in your body, the tension, you start snapping at little things that shouldn’t bother you. It is slowly working it’s way out of you, making space for the big kaboom.
The longer we deny it, the harder it is to face and the longer we hold onto it and let it shape us, the pain is a part of our identity now. It is our excuse, we need it, and we push ourselves further and further away form letting it go and truly healing and moving on. It reminds me of the song Bag Lady by Erykah Baduh, “bag lady, you gon’ hurt your back, draggin all them bags like that…” It is true, we end up hurting ourselves more because we hold on rather than healing.
It takes time. Depending on the person and situation it may be easier or harder for you to heal compared with others and that’s play because it’s about you. Pay attention to how you feel, where you are, the memories you have in places. I can feel it sometimes just going to certain cities and places, the energy, the memories, they are strong and can suck you back in if you haven’t dealt with them. It is difficult and often looked down upon to admit you have been hurt or you aren’t completely over it. That’s bullshit, confront it and deal with it at your own pace, but don’t wallow in it forever, don’t get stuck. Mare sure you protect your space, you have somewhere that feels safe, where you feel free to be open and honest with yourself.
So how do you heal? Reading, writing, music, exercise, talking to friends and family? What if that doesn’t work…talking to a professional is always a good option. You deserve to heal and be happy and we owe that to ourselves, because sometimes we need help to heal.
It is not always love and light and beautiful. The process is difficult and ugly because you have to sit with it and confront it.
We are all healing ourselves from something.
Be open, be honest with yourself, find a place where you feel safe, where you feel good, allow yourself to feel it without drowning. There is so much more to life than what has happened to you and what has hurt you.
Let go, free yourself, let yourself live.